ADAPTATION
130 130
INT. PHONE BOOTH - CONTINUOUS 134 134 *
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
Thank you for your time.
Laroche hangs up. Orlean stands there for a moment, then *
falls to the floor and breaks into tears. *
ORLEAN *
Goddamnit, Susan. Just stop crying! *
This is your fucking life! What are you *
doing? What are you doing, what are -- *
INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 135 135
SUBTITLE: CANTON, OHIO, THIRTY-FOUR YEARS EARLIER *
The little girl's room from before, but it's a teenager's *
room now. Bob Dylan's Just Like a Woman plays on the stereo. *
On the walls are posters of Dylan, Velvet Underground and a *
pilfered movie poster from Bergman's Persona; on the floor *
are records and books, a copy of I Been Down So Long It Looks *
Like Up to Me by Richard Farina. On the dresser, make-up, a *
tampax box, a NOW button. A blonde, skinny teenage girl in *
embroidered, hip-hugger bell-bottoms and a peasant blouse, *
lies on her bed and writes in her journal.
TEENAGE GIRL (V.O.)
I baby-sat for Kelly tonight and just
stared into her blue, infant eyes. She
is so pure, so present, so beautiful.
What happens to everyone? I apologized
to her for what she will have to become
to survive the nastiness. Then I cried.
I couldn't stop. At one point, Kelly
smiled up at me: the baby trying to
comfort the fucked-up adult. And I
thought, how perfect, it's starting
already.
OMITTED 136 136 *
MONTAGE 137 137 *
Susan Orlean, her journalist persona on, talks to various *
orchid enthusiasts, visits nurseries, sits in lecture halls,
attends orchid shows. She is bored and distracted.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 137A 137A *
Orlean sits on her bed, lonely and lost. She flips through *
her address book. There is no one to call. *
pg. 66
(CONTINUED)
She studies her orchid contact list. There's Vinson's phone *
number. After a long beat she dials the phone. *
INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER 137B 137B *
Orlean, dolled-up, anxiously gets ready to go out, eyes *
herself in the mirror, plays with her hair. The phone rings. *
She picks up. *
ORLEAN *
Hello? David! Hi. Not really. Um... *
okay. Hey, honey, can I call you back? *
I've got an interview and -- No, it might *
be late. Let me call you in the morning. *
Yeah. Work good? Good. Okay, hon, I'll *
speak to you in the morning. *
INT. HOTEL BAR - A LITTLE LATER 137C 137C *
Orlean sits by herself at a table and watches the door. She *
sips a glass of champagne. Her notebook and tape recorder *
are on the table. After a few moments, Vinson enters. She *
waves. He saunters over and sits. *
ORLEAN *
(slightly tipsy) *
Hey, thanks for coming. This should be *
really helpful. I'm glad you *
reconsidered talking. *
VINSON *
Yeah. Sure thing. *
There's a silence. *
ORLEAN *
Um, okay. So, what was it like for you, *
this whole media circus? *
Orlean fumbles to turn on her tape recorder. Vinson watches *
her trembly fingers. *
VINSON *
I don't know. Y'know? Just, y'know. *
ORLEAN *
Yeah. Uh-huh. It must've been crazy! *
Boy, I was just fascinated with this *
story and, um, all the Native American *
aspects and, y'know, how... large the *
scope was and... *
pg. 67
CONTINUED: 137A 137A
(CONTINUED)
Orlean trails off. Vinson is different than the last time *
she met him. He barely looks at her, he seems bored and *
impatient. Orlean is at a loss. *
ORLEAN (cont'd) *
... so I thought it would be helpful... *
for me... to hear a little bit about your *
background and how you came to -- *
VINSON *
We should go to your room. I can reveal *
all sorts of Native American aspects up *
there. *
ORLEAN *
Oh. Um, we can talk here. Y'know. I *
think we can -- this seems fine... here. *
VINSON *
(stares at her for a moment) *
Listen, do you want to get laid or not. *
You were awfully fucking flirty on the *
phone. *
ORLEAN *
Oh. Gosh. No, I just -- Did I -- *
communicate something? No, no. No, I *
just wanted to get some, um, Native *
American, um, look, I apologize, if -- *
VINSON *
Ah, fuck. I drove an hour to get here. *
He heads out the door without looking back. Orlean just sits *
there. She's shaking. She finishes her drink. *
OMITTED 138 138 *
INT. EMPTY HOUSE - NIGHT 139 139 *
Kaufman enters with his bags and heads to the stairs.
Donald, typing furiously at his desk, looks up.
DONALD
How was Florida, man?
KAUFMAN
(climbing the stairs)
Okay.
DONALD
Hey, my script's going amazing! Right
now I'm working out an Image System.
pg. 68
CONTINUED: 137C 137C
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
Because of my multiple personality theme,
I've chosen the motif of broken mirrors
to show my protagonist's fragmented self.
Bob says an Image System greatly
increases the complexity of an aesthetic
emotion. Bob says --
KAUFMAN
You sound like you're in a cult.
Kaufman disappears upstairs.
DONALD
No, it's just good writing technique.
(types, then:)
Oh, I made you a copy of McKee's Ten
Commandments. I've posted one over both
our work areas.
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 140 140
Kaufman tears down the Ten Commandments. Donald appears *
backlit in the doorway and seems oddly threatening.
DONALD
You shouldn't have done that.
They look at each other. Donald breaks the tension, smiles.
DONALD (cont'd)
'Cause it's extremely helpful.
(lies down on floor) *
Hey, I got a song! "Happy Together." I *
was worried about putting a song in a
thriller, but Bob says Casablanca, one of *
the greatest screenplays ever written, *
did exactly that. Mixed genres.
KAUFMAN
I need to go to bed, Donald. I haven't
slept in a week.
DONALD
Okay. Cool. Good night. *
Donald remains on the floor.
OMITTED 141 141 *
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT 142 142 *
Kaufman lies half-awake in bed, sweating, his eyes darting
back and forth. He looks over at the clock. It's 3:32.
pg. 69
CONTINUED: 139 139
DONALD (cont'd)
(CONTINUED)
KAUFMAN
Damn it.
Donald is no longer in the room, but can be heard happily *
snoring off-screen. Kaufman switches on a lamp, pulls The *
Orchid Thief from his bag, flips through it. There are now
many yellow hi-lited passages. He reads one.
KAUFMAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
There are too many ideas and things and
people, too many directions to go. I was
starting to believe the reason it matters
to care passionately about something is
that it whittles the world down to a more
manageable size.
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
Such sweet, sad insights. So true.
Kaufman flips to the glowing, smiling author photo.
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
I like looking at you.
He stares at the photo. Its smile broadens. It talks.
ORLEAN PHOTO
I like looking at you, too. Charlie.
The photo smiles warmly at him. Kaufman closes his eyes,
begins to jerk off.
Then: Kaufman and Orlean are in his bed together, making
love. She smiles at him throughout. They finish.
Then: Kaufman is alone in bed, heaving. He looks at the
still smiling photo. It seems somehow sleepy now.
KAUFMAN
I don't know how to do this. I'm afraid
I'll disappoint you. You've written a
beautiful book. I can't sleep. I'm
losing my hair. I'm fat and repulsive --
ORLEAN PHOTO
Shhh. You're not. Whittle it down.
Focus on one thing in the story, find the
thing you care passionately about and
write about that.
Kaufman studies her delicate, melancholy face. He's in love.
pg. 70
CONTINUED: 142 142
(CONTINUED)
ORLEAN PHOTO (cont'd)
(sweet, flirty smile)
I figured there might be something...
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING 143 143
Kaufman paces and talks animatedly into his mini-recorder.
KAUFMAN
We see Susan Orlean, delicate, fragile,
beautiful, haunted by loneliness, typing
at her desk. We hear her voice-over.
(reading book)
"John Laroche is a tall guy, skinny as a
stick..."
Donald, in his underwear, enters with Caroline. She's in a T- *
shirt we've seen Donald wearing. *
DONALD
Morning.
CAROLINE *
Hi! *
Kaufman looks up, sees Caroline with Donald, smiles. *
KAUFMAN
Hey, hey.
DONALD
(pouring coffee) *
You seem chipper.
KAUFMAN
I'm good. I have some new ideas.
CAROLINE *
God, you guys are so smart! It's like a *
brain factory here. *
DONALD
(modestly) *
I got some ideas, too, this morning. *
CAROLINE *
Really, really good ones. *
DONALD *
I'm putting in a chase sequence now. The *
killer flees on horseback with the girl.
The cop is after them on a motorcycle.
pg. 71
CONTINUED: (2) 142 142
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
It's like a battle between motors and
horses. Like technology versus horses.
KAUFMAN
And they're all still one person, right?
DONALD
Hey, that's the big pay-off.
KAUFMAN
(nice)
Well, it sounds exciting.
DONALD
Thanks, man. Thanks.
Caroline kisses Donald on the cheek. *
CAROLINE *
Told you he'd like it. *
OMITTED 144-147 144-147 *
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT 148 148
Kaufman has a bunch of 1960's reference books on the floor in *
front of him. He is looking at one entitled Pop Music of the
Sixties. He copies down the names of Bob Dylan and Velvet *
Underground. He reads the lyrics to Just Like a Woman *
andseems pleased. The notebook page already includes: Tampax *
Box, NOW button, I Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up To Me *
by Richard Farina, peasant blouse, Bergman's Persona. *
Kaufman seems quite pleased with his research. He picks up
The Orchid Thief to reward himself with a glance at the
Orlean photograph. But he opens the book to the wrong page
and sees an About the Author paragraph. The last line jumps
off the page: "She now lives in New York City with her
husband."
EXT. L.A. STREET - NIGHT 149 149
Kaufman wanders the street, distraught. A couple of passing
women snicker. At him?
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT 150 150
Kaufman types with new resolve.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Susan watches her husband across the *
dinner table. She thinks, who is this *
man? She thinks, why am I here? She *
thinks, how did this happen? *
pg. 72
CONTINUED: 143 143
DONALD (cont'd)
INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - DAY 151 151
Kaufman and Orlean move furniture into the room. It now
looks warm and inviting. Orlean wears a bandana kerchief.
KAUFMAN
I'm so thrilled I get to adapt your book,
get to merge our thoughts. I love that. *
It's intimate, like a marriage.
ORLEAN
Not like a marriage.
KAUFMAN
Maybe what marriage could be? *
Her eyes tear up. She kisses him on the cheek, exactly as *
Caroline kissed Donald. *
ORLEAN
Isn't it ironic? You adapting my book?
My three years in Florida meditating on
my inability to experience passion
resulted in my finding it with you.
They kiss and fall onto the new couch.
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - MORNING 152 152
Kaufman masturbates alone in bed.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY 153 153
Kaufman paces with his mini-recorder. Off-screen laughing
and chattering from Donald and Caroline. *
KAUFMAN
We see the little girl writing in her *
journal. Her drunken mother enters, sits *
on young Susan's bed and cries. We see *
the loneliness of her childhood, her *
mother's disappointment at life, and how *
it forever scars the little girl. *
Kaufman is immensely pleased. He smiles at Orlean's photo.
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
This is good. I'm finding you.
The phone rings.
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
Yallo?
pg. 73
(CONTINUED)
VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
Hi, Charlie. It's Valerie. Just bugging
you again. How's everything going?
KAUFMAN
Good. I think really good now.
VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
Great. So I spoke to Susan yesterday.
KAUFMAN
(beat)
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
I told her you were making terrific
progress and she's really excited to read
the script.
Sweat appears on Kaufman's brow.
KAUFMAN
Good. *
VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
And she said she'd love to meet you.
All color drains from Kaufman's face.
KAUFMAN
Um, well, y'know, for me it's distracting
to... or confusing to discuss what I'm
exploring in the screenplay at this
point... before I finish... So... *
VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
That's fair. I'll let her know.
KAUFMAN
Tell Susan I'd be very happy to meet her
at a future date. As she sees fit.
VALERIE (PHONE VOICE)
Okay. Good enough.
KAUFMAN
And tell her how much I love her book.
Say I think she's a great writer. Tell
her I said that. Okay? *
pg. 74
CONTINUED: 153 153
(CONTINUED)
VALERIE (cont'd)
Will do. Just keep us posted, Charlie.
Because we're very excited and anxious *
and all those good things. *
KAUFMAN
Okay. Nice talking to you. *
Kaufman hangs up and looks at the photo of Orlean. It's
still smiling, but not at him. It's not glowing. Maybe it's
even smirking. Kaufman paces frantically, holding his
stomach. Donald's off-screen typing grows louder.
INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 154 154
Donald types at his desk on his computer. Caroline, on the *
floor, sips coffee and skims a magazine. Kaufman storms in. *
KAUFMAN
You can sit here and pretend to be a
writer, mocking the seriousness of what I
do, like some kind of fucking funhouse
mirror version of me! But let me tell
you, you don't know what writing is!
Kaufman grabs his stomach, doubles over.
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - DAY 155 155
Kaufman is on a gurney and hooked up to an IV. He watches a
slightly haggard woman with a bandaged head sitting in a
small room across the hall. She glances over in his
direction. He smiles. She looks through him.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
She thinks I'm repulsive. She thinks, *
why aren't there any cute guys in *
emergency rooms. She thinks -- *
An attendant enters the room across the hall and wheels the *
woman out. It is obvious she's only semi-conscious. *
KAUFMAN (V.O.) (CONT'D) *
I'm an idiot. I'm completely self- *
involved. Of course it's impossible for *
me to write about anyone else's -- *
Kaufman's eyes light up. *
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - DAY 156 156
Kaufman paces with his mini-cassette.
pg. 75
CONTINUED: (2) 153 153
(CONTINUED)
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Movie opens. Charlie Kaufman, fat, old,
bald, paces. His voice-over carpets the *
scene. "I am old. I am fat." *
OMITTED 157-160 157-160 *
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 161 161
Orlean is on the phone. She is shaky and drunk and still *
dolled-up from her interview with Vinson. *
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
Yeah?
ORLEAN
It's Susan again. *
LAROCHE (PHONE VOICE)
I know. *
ORLEAN *
Um, how's it going? *
INT. LITTLE BOY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 161A 161A *
The room is now filled with computer equipment. Posters of *
naked women adorn the walls. *
LAROCHE *
Great! I'm training myself on the *
Internet. It's fascinating. I'm doing *
pornography. It's amazing how much these *
suckers will pay for photographs of *
chicks. And it doesn't matter if they're *
fat or ugly or what. *
ORLEAN (PHONE VOICE) *
That sounds good. *
LAROCHE *
It's great is what it is. *
ORLEAN (PHONE VOICE) *
So, look, I hate feeling like I'm being a *
pain to you, but I still haven't seen a *
ghost. And I was hoping, maybe you'd -- *
LAROCHE *
Yeah, yeah. I'll take you in. Tomorrow. *
ORLEAN *
Really? Thank you so much! Oh, John! *
pg. 76
CONTINUED: 156 156
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT 162 162
Kaufman types. The cassette player plays. *
KAUFMAN (ON RECORDER)
Kaufman, repugnant, ridiculous, jerks off
to the book jacket photo of Susan Orlean.
Donald appears in the doorway with a script.
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
What?! What do you want?
DONALD
I finished my script. I'm done.
Kaufman stares at his typewriter, doesn't say anything.
DONALD (cont'd)
So would you show it to your agent?
(proudly)
It's called The Three.
Kaufman grabs Donald's script and throws it on his bed. The
Three is printed on the cover in some dramatic bold typeface.
DONALD (cont'd)
Thanks. Also, I wanted to thank you for
your idea. It was very helpful. I
changed it a little. Now the killer cuts
off body pieces and makes the victims eat
them. It's, like, Caroline has this *
great tattoo of a snake swallowing it's *
tail and -- *
Kaufman puts his head in his hands.
KAUFMAN
Ourobouros.
DONALD
I don't know what that means.
KAUFMAN
The snake is called Ourobouros.
DONALD
I don't think so. But, anyway, it's cool
for my killer to have this modus
operandi. Because at the end when he
forces the woman, who's really him, to
eat herself, he's also eating himself to
death.
pg. 77
(CONTINUED)
KAUFMAN
I'm insane. I'm Ourobouros.
DONALD
I don't know what that word means.
KAUFMAN
I've written myself into my screenplay.
It's eating itself. I'm eating myself.
DONALD
Oh. That's kinda weird, huh?
KAUFMAN
It's self-indulgent. It's narcissistic.
It's solipsistic. It's pathetic. I'm
pathetic. I'm fat and pathetic.
DONALD
I'm sure you had good reasons, Charles. *
You're an artist.
KAUFMAN
The reason is I'm too timid to speak to
the woman who wrote the book. Because
I'm pathetic. Because I have no idea how
to write. Because I can't make flowers
fascinating. Because I suck.
DONALD
Hey, am I in the script?
KAUFMAN
I'm going to New York. I'll meet her.
That's it. That's what I have to do.
DONALD
Don't get mad at me for saying this,
Charles, but Bob's got a seminar in New
York this weekend at the Hyatt Regency. *
So if you're stuck --
Kaufman shoots Donald a look. *
OMITTED 163 163 *
INT. CAR - A BIT LATER 164 164
The sun has come up strong. It looks hot. Laroche speeds
along with one finger on the wheel, paying little attention
to the road. The car veers onto the shoulder, he lazily
corrects it. Orlean is tense.
pg. 78
CONTINUED: 162 162
(CONTINUED)
LAROCHE
I remember one time when I was fifteen, *
my mother and I came to the Fakahatchee
to look for a ghost. We walked for *
hours, through the most intense heat I'd
ever felt. We couldn't find one. I
wanted to turn back. But my mom said, *
John, if you keep searching for something
past doubt, past hopelessness, past the
absolute certainty that you'll never find
it, there it'll be. So we walked. I had *
goddamn bloody blisters on my feet. And
we found ourselves in this charred
prairie, desolate, sun blasted, y'know.
And there in the middle of it was this
one gorgeous, snowy Polyrrhiza lindenii.
They drive in silence for a little while. She watches him.
EXT. MIDTOWN NEW YORK CITY STREET - DAY 164A 164A
Kaufman, sweaty and anxious, walks along. *
ORLEAN (V.O.) *
He made it sound like a Bible story, the
hopeful journey through darkness into
light. I never thought many people in
the world were like John, but I was
realizing more and more that Laroche was
an extreme, not an aberration -- most for
something exceptional, something to
pursue, even at their peril, rather than
abide an ordinary life.
Kaufman arrives at the New Yorker building and enters with *
steely determination.
OMITTED 165-167 165-167 *
EXT. SWAMP - MORNING 168 168 *
Laroche and Orlean step off the levee into black water. They
sink to their knees. The ground is soft; it's a struggle to *
pull their feet up to walk. Things slither past in the
water. Something big runs by in the distance. Bees, and *
dragonflies hover. Gnats and mosquitoes bite. Birds
screech. Frogs croak. Laroche points to a yellow flower.
LAROCHE
Here we go. Encyclia tempensis.
Laroche lights a cigarette.
pg. 79
CONTINUED: 164 164
(CONTINUED)
LAROCHE (cont'd)
Nice little sucker, isn't it?
Orlean examines it. Laroche continues and Orlean attempts to *
keep pace. He points at a tiny orchid on another tree.
LAROCHE (CONT'D)
Clamshell orchid. You know that. *
ORLEAN
Uh-huh.
LAROCHE
See, I found you two already. I'll show
you every orchid you want today. I'll
find you a fucking ghost if it kills me.
(pointing to another orchid)
Rigid Epidendrum. That's an ugly-ass
orchid. But I'm no snob. I'm interested
in all orchids. Not just pretty ones.
Orlean laughs appreciatively. *
OMITTED 169 169 *
INT. ELEVATOR - DAY 170 170 *
Kaufman rides up in the crowded elevator. It stops a few
times; people get off and on. Kaufman sweats. The doors
open. The New Yorker logo is painted on the wall opposite
the elevator. Nobody gets off or on. The doors close. The
elevator continues up. Kaufman hates himself. Soon the
elevator is emptied out with the exception of Kaufman. It
begins its descent and stops once again at the New Yorker.
This time Orlean gets on. Kaufman is panicked. Orlean looks *
at him blankly, presses "lobby", and faces front. Kaufman
sweats, studies the back of her head. The elevator arrives
at the lobby. Orlean gets out. Kaufman hesitates. *
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - DAY 171 171
Orlean walks along. Kaufman follows her.
EXT. SWAMP - LATE MORNING 172 172
The sun is much higher in the sky. Orlean is a sweaty mess,
frizzed hair, anxious, scraped, dirty.
LAROCHE
(peppy)
They're right nearby. Just follow me.
pg. 80
CONTINUED: 168 168
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY 173 173
Orlean sits by herself, reading Vanity Fair. Kaufman sits a
few tables away. He scribbles in his notebook.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Reads Vanity Fair. Funny detail: New
Yorker writer reads Vanity Fair. Use!
A waitress brings a tuna sandwich and an iced tea to Orlean.
KAUFMAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
Likes tuna, drinks iced tea. Good
character details. Good stuff!
Orlean looks up from her magazine and smiles at the waitress.
ORLEAN
Thanks. Could I get some lemon please?
The waitress nods and leaves. Kaufman scribbles.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Likes lemon in tea and her voice is not
at all what I imagined. Interesting!
EXT. SWAMP - NOON 174 174
Orlean follows Laroche. She watches him start off in one
direction, stop, then go in another direction. *
ORLEAN
Can I ask you a personal question? *
Laroche turns and scowls at her.
LAROCHE
We're not lost.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 175 175
Kaufman types from his notes. *
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
Orlean turns from the prosecutor to the *
waitress and says: Could I get some *
lemon, please? *
Kaufman reads what he has written. He's frustrated, *
hysterical. He paces, yanks the sheets from the bed, tries *
to tear them, swings them wildly, knocking over a bedside *
lamp and shattering the bulb. *
pg. 81
(CONTINUED)
He stops, heaves, bends to pick up the broken glass. The *
phone rings. He answers it, still holding the glass. *
KAUFMAN (CONT'D) *
Hello? *
MARTY (TELEPHONE VOICE) *
Hey, it's Marty. How's it going? Has it *
been helpful to talk to the writer? *
What's her name? *
KAUFMAN *
Susan Orlean. It's been okay. *
MARTY (TELEPHONE VOICE) *
Well, I mean, are you making headway? *
Valerie's breathing down my neck. *
KAUFMAN *
(hollow) *
You can't rush inspiration. *
MARTY (TELEPHONE VOICE) *
Okay, fair enough. Um, the other reason *
I'm calling is to tell you The Three is *
just amazing. *
KAUFMAN *
I don't know what that is. *
MARTY (TELEPHONE VOICE) *
Donald's script! A smart, edgy thriller. *
Best script I've read this year. *
KAUFMAN *
Oh. Good. *
MARTY (TELEPHONE VOICE) *
I'll sell it for a shitload. Two fucking *
talented guys in one family. Y'know, *
maybe you could bring your brother on to *
help you finish the orchid thing. *
KAUFMAN *
Marty, don't say that. I mean -- *
MARTY (TELEPHONE VOICE) *
Just a thought, buddy. He's really *
goddamn amazing at structure. *
KAUFMAN *
I gotta go. I have an appointment. *
pg. 82
CONTINUED: 175 175
(CONTINUED)
MARTY (TELEPHONE VOICE) *
Adios, amigo. Finish! Finish! *
EXT. SWAMP - LATER 176 176
The sun is high. Orlean and Laroche sit on dry ground. She
stares at him. He won't look at her, but busies himself
opening the backpack and pulling out food. Finally:
LAROCHE
I'm just turned around a little.
He looks up at her, sees her staring at him. He pokes around
on the ground for something, comes up with a straight twig.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
A sundial. I'll just set this up, wait a
few minutes, and we'll be able to tell
which way the sun is moving. We want to
be heading southeast.
Laroche sticks the twig into the ground, stares at it.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
You should eat something.
Orlean takes a cracker. This relaxes Laroche. He stretches
his legs, knocks over the twig. Without looking at Orlean,
he puts the twig back.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
So do you collect anything?
ORLEAN
(non-responsive)
Not really.
LAROCHE
Well, y'know it's not really about
collecting the thing, it's about --
ORLEAN
The sundial isn't working.
Laroche looks down at it.
LAROCHE
It is so.
Orlean stares at the twig in the ground. She looks at
Laroche. Laroche smiles sheepishly at Orlean. Rage and
panic sweep across her face, her fists clench into balls.
pg. 83
CONTINUED: (2) 175 175
(CONTINUED)
Her eyes become wild, some dark fantasy plays out in her
brain. Laroche seems unaware. *
ORLEAN *
(panicky) *
Look, look, I need to -- *
LAROCHE *
The thing about computers. The thing I
like is that I'm immersed in it but it's
not a living thing that's going to leave
or die or something. *
Orlean looks sadly at Laroche. *
LAROCHE (CONT'D) *
Okay, fuck the sundial. We'll just go
straight and eventually we'll get there.
They rise.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
What I mean is we'll get somewhere. Out
of here. I mean, logically, we have to
get out as long as we walk straight.
Laroche points them in a direction and they walk. *
OMITTED 177 177 *
EXT. NYC STREETS (MONTAGE) - MORNING 178 178 *
Kaufman wanders. He eyes other sad-looking, balding,
overweight men wandering the streets also.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I am fat. I am repulsive. I am old. I *
can't write. I am just one more old, *
fat, bald man on the street.
EXT. SWAMP - DAY 179 179
Laroche leads the way. There's a sadness, a sense of defeat
and humiliation that he tries to conceal. Orlean is stony.
LAROCHE
I've done this a million times. Whenever
everything's killing me, I just say to
myself, screw it, and go straight ahead.
Laroche leads Orlean back into the brush.
pg. 84
CONTINUED: 176 176
EXT. NYC STREET - MORNING 180 180
Kaufman sees a glass building ahead, glowing in the sun. He *
walks toward it. *
INT. LOBBY - MORNING 181 181
The lobby of an auditorium, crowded with enthusiastic people
signing up for something. Kaufman waits in line. He
watches the handsome guy ahead of him flirt with a female *
registrar. The guy moves on and the registrar looks without *
interest at Kaufman.
REGISTRAR
Yes?
Kaufman averts his eyes from her cool gaze; they come to rest
on a pile of McKee's book Story next to her.
INT. AUDITORIUM - A BIT LATER 182 182
Kaufman sits in the packed room. McKee paces the stage with
a mic clipped to his lapel.
MCKEE
Years from now you'll be standing around
a posh cocktail party congratulating
yourself on how you spent an entire
weekend locked in a room with an asshole *
from Hollywood for your art. *
The audience laughs, except for Kaufman who looks pained.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I am pathetic. I am a loser. I am fat.
MCKEE
So... what is the substance of writing?
Nothing as trivial as words is at the
heart of this great art. *
McKee continues to talk but his voice goes under.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I have failed. I am panicked. I am fat.
I have sold out. I am worthless. I...
MCKEE
Literary talent is not enough. First,
last, and always the imperative is too
tell a story.
Kaufman watches with disdain as people take notes.
pg. 85
(CONTINUED)
MCKEE
Twenty-three hundred years ago, Aristotle
said, when storytelling goes bad in a
society, the result is decadence.
(deadpan)
Well, just look around you.
Everyone except Charlie laughs at McKee's joke.
MCKEE (cont'd)
Your goal must be a good story well told. *
Craft is the sum total of all means used *
to draw the audience into deep *
involvement, and ultimately to reward it *
with a moving and meaningful experience. *
INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER 183 183
McKee scribbles a diagram onto a transparency in an overhead
projector. It's some kind of complicated time-line with actbreaks
and corresponding page numbers indicated. The
audience members take copious notes. Kaufman sweats.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
It is my weakness, my ultimate lack of
conviction that brings me here. Easy *
answers. Rules to short-cut yourself to
success. And here I am, because my jaunt
into the abyss brought me nothing. Well,
isn't that the risk one takes for
attempting something new. I should leave
here right now. I'll start over --
(starts to rise)
I need to face this project head on and --
MCKEE
... and God help you if you use voiceover
in your work, my friends.
Kaufman looks up, startled. McKee seems to watching him. *
MCKEE (CONT'D)
God help you! It's flaccid, sloppy *
writing. Any idiot can write voice-over *
narration to explain the thoughts of a *
character. You must present the internal *
conflicts of your character in action. *
Kaufman looks around at people scribbling in notebooks.
"Flaccid..." writes the guy on one side of him. "Any
idiot..." writes the guy on the other side.
pg. 86
CONTINUED: 182 182
(CONTINUED)
MCKEE (cont'd)
Okay, one hour for lunch.
EXT. NYC STREET - A FEW MINUTES LATER 184 184
Students exit onto the street in groups. Kaufman wanders by
himself. His face is troubled. There is no sound.
OMITTED 185 185 *
INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER 186 186
It's late. The audience is tired, but still attentive. Now
Kaufman takes serious notes. McKee, energetic as ever, wears
his sweater tied around his shoulders. We stay firmly
planted on his face as he talks and talks.
MCKEE
Long speechs are antithetical to the
nature of cinema. The Greeks called it
stykomythia -- the rapid exchange of
ideas. A long speech in a script, say a
page long, requires that the camera hold
on the actor's face for a minute. Look
at the second hand on your watch as it
makes one complete rotation around the
clock face and you'll get an idea of how
intolerable that would be for an
audience. The ontology of the screen is
that it's always now and it's always
action and it's always vivid. And that's *
an important point. We are not
recreating life on the screen. Writers
are not tape recorders. Have you ever
eavesdropped on people talking in a
coffee shop? Then you know how dull and
tedious real conversation is. Real
people are not interesting. There's not
a person in this world -- and I include
myself in this -- who would be
interesting enough to take as is and put
in a movie as a character.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER STILL 187 187
McKee faces the audience, holding a cup of coffee.
MCKEE
The other day someone asked me if *
Michelle Pfeiffer were beautiful. *
pg. 87
CONTINUED: 183 183
(CONTINUED)
He pauses theatrically, sips his coffee, then, deadpan: *
MCKEE (cont'd)
Michelle Pfeiffer is proof for the *
existence of God. *
The overtired audience breaks into uproarious laughter.
Kaufman, with dark circles under his eyes, giggles a little.
MCKEE (cont'd)
Okay. That's it for tonight. Remember,
there'll be a Q and A tomorrow morning
before class starts.
INT. HOTEL - NIGHT 188 188
In bed, Kaufman struggles with Aristotle's Poetics. There's
a photograph of a bust of Aristotle on the book's cover.
DISSOLVE TO:
OMITTED 189 189 *
INT. KAUFMAN'S DINING ROOM - DAY 189A 189A *
Darwin and Aristotle and Kaufman have tea. It's silent and *
tense. Aristotle rises to stretch. He walks around the *
table. Out of nowhere, he smashes Darwin in the back of the *
head. Darwin flies face forward into the card table, *
collapsing it. He turns, grabs Aristotle's foot and pulls *
him down. A violent fight ensues. Kaufman can't get out of *
the way, can't seem to move as the two men brutally bludgeon *
each other, smash against walls leaving bloody prints. *
INT. AUDITORIUM - MORNING 190 190
Kaufman, bleary-eyed, sits in the back. McKee paces.
MCKEE
Anyone else?
Kaufman timidly raises his hand.
MCKEE (cont'd)
Yes?
KAUFMAN
What if a writer is attempting to create *
a story where nothing much happens, where
people don't change, they don't have any
epiphanies. They struggle and are
frustrated and nothing is resolved. More
a reflection of the real world -- *
pg. 88
CONTINUED: 187 187
(CONTINUED)
MCKEE
The real world? The real fucking world?
First of all, if you write a screenplay
without conflict or crisis, you'll bore
your audience to tears. Secondly:
Nothing happens in the world? Are you
out of your fucking mind? People are
murdered every day! There's genocide and
war and corruption! Every fucking day
somewhere in the world somebody
sacrifices his life to save someone else!
Every fucking day someone somewhere makes
a conscious decision to destroy someone
else! People find love! People lose it,
for Christ's sake! A child watches her
mother beaten to death on the steps of a
church! Someone goes hungry! Somebody
else betrays his best friend for a woman!
If you can't find that stuff in life,
then you, my friend, don't know much
about life! And why the fuck are you
taking up my precious two hours with your
movie? I don't have any use for it! I
don't have any bloody use for it!
KAUFMAN
Okay, thanks.
EXT. NYC STREET - NIGHT 191 191
The last of the students are filing out. Kaufman waits,
leaning against the building. McKee emerges, carrying his
brown leather bag. A shaky, tired Kaufman approaches him.
KAUFMAN
Mr. McKee?
MCKEE
Yes?
KAUFMAN
I'm the guy you yelled at this morning.
MCKEE
(trying to recall)
I need more.
KAUFMAN
I was the one who thought things didn't
happen in life.
MCKEE
Oh, right, okay. Nice to see you.
pg. 89
CONTINUED: 190 190
(CONTINUED)
KAUFMAN
I need to talk.
MCKEE
I'm sorry. I can't talk to writers about *
material I haven't read. *
KAUFMAN
Mr. McKee, my even standing here is very *
scary. I don't meet people well. But *
what you said this morning shook me to
the bone. What you said was bigger than
my screenwriting choices. It's about my
choices as a human being. Please.
McKee hesitates for a moment, then reaches out and puts his
arm around Kaufman.
MCKEE
I could use a drink, my friend.
EXT. SWAMP - DAY 192 192
Laroche and Orlean slog through the water with purpose,
looking only straight ahead. As they walk the sounds and
colors become subdued. Soon there is silence.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
We turned to the right and saw only more
cypress and palm and sawgrass
They turn left and see metal flashing in the sunlight.
ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
So we turned to the left, and there, far
down the diagonal of the levee, we could
see the gleam of a fender.
Orlean and Laroche walk toward the car.
ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
We followed it like a beacon...
INT. BAR - NIGHT 193 193
Kaufman and McKee sit at a table with beers. Kaufman reads
from his copy of The Orchid Thief.
KAUFMAN
... all the way to the road.
Kaufman closes the book. There's a pause.
pg. 90
CONTINUED: 191 191
(CONTINUED)
MCKEE
Then what happens?
KAUFMAN
That's the end of the book. I wanted to
present it simply, without big character
arcs or sensationalizing the story. I
wanted to show flowers as God's miracles.
I wanted to show that Orlean never saw
the blooming ghost orchid. It's about
disappointment.
MCKEE
(disappointed)
I see.
(beat)
That's not a movie. Maybe you've got two *
acts. *
KAUFMAN
(pause)
I've got pages of false starts and wrong
approaches. I'm way past my deadline. I
can't go back.
McKee sips his beer, eyes Kaufman.
MCKEE (cont'd)
Tell you a secret. The last act makes
the film. You can have an uninvolving,
tedious movie, but wow them at the end,
and you've got a hit. Find an ending.
But don't cheat! Don't you dare bring in *
a deus ex machina. Your characters must *
change and the change must must come from *
them. Do that and you'll be fine. *
Tears form in Kaufman's eyes.
KAUFMAN
You promise?
McKee smiles. Kaufman hugs him. McKee recognizes his bulk.
MCKEE
You've taken my course before?
KAUFMAN
My brother did. My twin brother Donald.
He's the one who got me to come.
pg. 91
CONTINUED: 193 193
(CONTINUED)
MCKEE
Twin screenwriters. Julius and Philip
Epstein,who wrote Casablanca were twins.
KAUFMAN
You mentioned that in class.
MCKEE
One of the finest screenplays ever *
written.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 194 194
Kaufman paces, tries to read Story. McKee's Ten Commandments *
is taped to the wall. As is a photo of Michelle Pfeiffer
ripped from a magazine.
INT. MCKEE'S OFFICE - NIGHT 195 195
McKee, like Darwin before him, sits at his desk and writes.
MCKEE (V.O.)
Climax. A revolution in values from
positive to negative or negative to
positive without irony -- a value swing
at maximum charge that's absolute and
irreversible.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 196 196
Kaufman is lost in McKee's text. He rubs his temples. He
dials the phone.
DONALD (PHONE VOICE)
Great writers residence.
Caroline giggles in the background. *
KAUFMAN
Donald.
DONALD (PHONE VOICE)
Hey, how's the trip? Gettin' it on with
that lady journalist? You dog you!
KAUFMAN
Yeah. Listen, I'm calling to say
congratulations on your script.
INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 196A 196A *
Donald sits on the floor with Caroline and Catherine Keener. *
They drink wine and are in the middle of a board game. *
pg. 92
CONTINUED: (2) 193 193
(CONTINUED)
DONALD *
Isn't that cool? Marty says he can make *
me, like, high-sixes against a mill-five.
KAUFMAN (PHONE VOICE) *
That's great, Donald.
DONALD *
I want to thank you for all your help.
KAUFMAN (PHONE VOICE) *
I wasn't any help.
DONALD *
C'mon, you let me stay in your place and
your integrity inspired me to even try.
It's been a wild ride. Keener says she *
really wants to play Cassie! *
KEENER *
(jokingly, tipsy) *
Oh, please, please, Donald, please... *
INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS 196B 196B *
KAUFMAN
What? *
DONALD (PHONE VOICE) *
She stopped by after work with Caroline. *
And she picked up the script and couldn't *
put it down. *
KEENER (O.C.) (IN BACKGROUND) *
I couldn't put it down because I had glue *
on my hands! *
Keener, Caroline, and Donald laugh. Kaufman is silent for a *
long moment, taking this all in. *
KAUFMAN *
Catherine Keener is in my house? *
DONALD (PHONE VOICE) *
Yeah. We're playing Boggle. She's *
great. You should hang out with her. *
KAUFMAN *
Yeah. Um, look, I've been thinking, *
maybe you'd be interested in hanging out *
with me in New York for a few days. *
pg. 93
CONTINUED: 196A 196A
(CONTINUED)
DONALD (PHONE VOICE)
Oh my God, yes! *
KAUFMAN *
Yeah? I was going to show my script to *
some people. Maybe you could read it, *
too. Y'know, if you like. *
DONALD (PHONE VOICE) *
Of course! I'm flattered! *
INT. HOTEL ROOM - MORNING 197 197
Donald lies on his back on the floor intently reading the
script. Kaufman paces. Donald finishes, is quiet.
KAUFMAN
So, like, what would you do?
DONALD
Script kind of makes fun of me, huh?
KAUFMAN
Sorry. I was trying something. I --
DONALD
Hey, I don't mind. It's funny.
KAUFMAN
Okay. Good. So, what would you do? *
DONALD
You and me are so different, Charles.
We're different talents.
KAUFMAN
I know. Just for fun. How would the
great Donald end this script?
DONALD
(giggling)
Shut up. The great Donald.
(serious)
I feel like you're missing something. *
KAUFMAN
(stung but covering)
All right. Like what?
DONALD
I don't know, man. I'm thinking, *
subtext. Y'know, who is Susan Orlean? *
pg. 94
CONTINUED: 196B 196B
(CONTINUED)
KAUFMAN
She's a journalist writing a story.
DONALD
Is she? I mean, yes, of course she's
that, but, look...
(picks up Orchid Thief, reads)
"Sometimes this kind of story turns out
to be something more, some glimpse of
life that expands like those Japanese
paper balls you drop in water and they *
bloom into flowers, and the flower is so
marvelous you can't believe there was a *
time all you saw in front of you was a
paper ball and a glass of water."
(looks up)
First of all, she said she didn't care
about flowers. That's inconsistent.
KAUFMAN
For God's sake, it's just a metaphor.
DONALD
For what? What turned that paper ball *
into a flower? It's not in the book. *
KAUFMAN
I don't know. You're reaching.
DONALD
Maybe, but I think you need to actually *
talk to this woman. To know her. *
KAUFMAN
I can't. Really.
DONALD
I'll go. Pretend I'm you. *
Kaufman rolls his eyes. *
DONALD (CONT'D) *
I want to do it, Charles. Someone's got *
to talk to her. *
A long silence while Kaufman looks his brother up and down. *
KAUFMAN
But you've got to be exactly me. I have *
a reputation to maintain. You can't be a *
goofball. You can't be an asshole. *
pg. 95
CONTINUED: 197 197
(CONTINUED)
DONALD
I'm not an asshole.
KAUFMAN
You know what I mean. No flirting. No
bad jokes. Don't laugh how you laugh.
DONALD
(sort of hurt)
I'm not going to laugh. I get to have
people think I'm you. It's an honor.
INT. ORLEAN'S OFFICE - DAY 198 198
Orlean is behind her desk. Donald, dressed as Charlie, sits *
across from her, doing his best serious writer impression. *
DONALD
So, I guess I'll bring out the big guns *
now. Do you keep in touch with Laroche? *
Orlean responds with what might be a practiced casualness.
ORLEAN
I had a brief phone conversation with him
when the book came out. He said, "You
know, if you write a couple more books,
you could become a pretty good writer."
Donald laughs appreciatively as he scribbles on his pad.
DONALD
(flirty despite himself) *
I think you're a very good writer now. *
ORLEAN
Thanks.
DONALD
The reason I ask, is that I felt I
detected an attraction to him. In the
subtext. Care to comment?
ORLEAN
Our relationship was strictly reporter- *
subject. I mean, certainly an intimacy
develops in that type of relationship.
You spend a lot of time together. By
definition, I was very interested in
everything he had to say. But the *
relationship ends when the book ends. *
Donald scribbles, mumbles under his breath. *
pg. 96
CONTINUED: (2) 197 197
(CONTINUED)
ORLEAN (CONT'D) *
What?
DONALD
Nothing. Okay, just one more question. *
(reading from pad)
If you could have dinner with one
historical personage, living or dead, who
would it be?
Orlean is somewhat relieved she's dealing with an idiot. *
ORLEAN
I'd have to say... Einstein or Jesus.
DONALD
Very good. Interesting answer. *
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY 199 199
Kaufman paces, stares out the window, watches TV. Donald
enters, dressed as Charlie.
DONALD
She was nervous. She's lying.
KAUFMAN
What do you mean? What happened?
DONALD
Nothing. She said all the right things.
Too right.
KAUFMAN
Maybe they're too right because they're
true. Did you embarrass me? *
DONALD
People who answer questions too right are *
liars. And everybody says Jesus and
Einstein. That's a prepackaged answer. *
KAUFMAN
What do you mean "Jesus and Einstein"?
DONALD
Listen, Charles, I have an idea. You *
need to buy me a pair of binoculars. *
KAUFMAN
What's Jesus and Einstein? *
pg. 97
CONTINUED: 198 198
(CONTINUED)

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