American Beauty

ANGELA

I'm serious, he just pulled down his pants and yanked it out. You know, like, say hello to Mr. Happy.

TEENAGE GIRL #1

Gross.

ANGELA

It wasn't gross. It was kind of cool.

TEENAGE GIRL #1

So, did you do it with him?

ANGELA

Of course I did. He is a really well-known photographer? He shoots for Elle on like, a regular basis? It would have been so majorly stupid of me to turn him down.

TEENAGE GIRL #2

You are a total prostitute.

ANGELA

Hey. That's how things really are. You just don't know, because you're this pampered little suburban chick.

TEENAGE GIRL #2

So are you. You've only been in Seventeen once, and you looked fat, so stop acting like you're goddamn Christy Turlington.

The two TEENAGE GIRLS move away from Jane and Angela.

ANGELA

(calling off)

Cunt!

(then)

I am so sick of people taking their insecurities out on me.

The Colonel's Ford Explorer pulls up, and Ricky gets out.

JANE

Oh my God. That's the pervert who filmed me last night.

ANGELA

Him? Jane. No way. He's a total lunatic.

JANE

You know him?

ANGELA

Yeah. We were on the same lunch shift when I was in ninth grade, and he would always say the most random, weird things, and then one day, he was just like, gone. And then, Connie Cardullo told me he his parents had to put him in a mental institution.

JANE

Why? What did he do?

ANGELA

What do you mean?

JANE

Well, they can't put you away just for saying weird things.

Angela stares at Jane, then her mouth widens into a smile.

ANGELA

You total slut. You've got a crush on him.

JANE

What? Please.

ANGELA

You were defending him! You love him. You want to have like, ten thousand of his babies.

JANE

Shut up.

Jane suddenly finds Ricky standing in front of her.

RICKY

Hi. My name's Ricky. I just moved next door to you.

JANE

I know. I kinda remember this really creepy incident when you were filming me last night?

RICKY

I didn't mean to scare you. I just think you're interesting.

Angela shoots a wide-eyed look at Jane, who ignores it.

JANE

Thanks, but I really don't need to have some psycho obsessing about me right now.

RICKY

I'm not obsessing. I'm just curious.

He looks at her intently, his eyes searching hers. Jane is unnerved and has to look away. Ricky smiles and walks off.

ANGELA

What a freak. And why does he dress like a Bible salesman?

JANE

He's like, so confident. That can't be real.

ANGELA

I don't believe him. I mean, he didn't even like, look at me once.

INT. FITTS HOUSE - DEN - THAT NIGHT

CLOSE on a TV SCREEN: "Hogan's Heroes" on Nick at Nite.

The Colonel and Barbara are seated on a couch, watching television. The Colonel is smiling, enjoying the show; Barbara just stares. The Colonel CHUCKLES at a joke and startles her.

We HEAR a door opening elsewhere in the house, and Ricky enters.

RICKY

Hey.

He sits on the couch, next to his father, and watches TV along with them. The Colonel's smile fades.

BARBARA

(out of the blue)

I'm sorry, what?

RICKY

Mom. Nobody said anything.

BARBARA

Oh. I'm sorry.

The three of them stare at the TV, like strangers in an airport.

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - NIGHT

We HEAR MUSIC under a room full of people all talking at once, as Lester and Carolyn enter a hotel ballroom. We FOLLOW THEM as they pass a SIGN that reads:

GREATER ROCKWELL REALTOR RESOURCES GROUP

CAROLYN

--everyone here is with their spouse or their significant other. How would it look if I showed up with no one?

LESTER

Well, you always end up ignoring me and going off--

Inside the ballroom, well-dressed real estate professionals stand in clumps, chatting. Catering waiters serve hors d'eouvres.

CAROLYN

Now listen to me. This is an important business function. As you know, my business is selling an image. And part of my job is to live that image--

LESTER

Just say whatever you want to say and spare me the propaganda.

CAROLYN

(spots someone)

Hi, Shirley!

(to Lester)

Listen, just do me a favor. Act happy tonight?

LESTER

(grins stupidly)

I am happy, honey.

Carolyn's jaw tightens, then:

CAROLYN

(spots someone)

Oh! Buddy!

She drags Lester toward a silver-haired MAN and his much younger WIFE. We recognize the Man as BUDDY KANE, The Real Estate King.

CAROLYN (cont'd)

(shakes Buddy's hand)

Buddy! Buddy. Hi! Good to see you again.

BUDDY

It's so good to see you too, Catherine.

CAROLYN

Carolyn.

BUDDY

Carolyn! Of course. How are you?

CAROLYN

Very well, thank you.

(to his wife)

Hello, Christy.

CHRISTY

Hello.

CAROLYN

My husband, Lester--

BUDDY

(shakes Lester's hand)

It's a pleasure.

LESTER

Oh, we've met before, actually. This thing last year. Or the Christmas thing at the Sheraton.

BUDDY

Oh, yes.

LESTER

It's okay. I wouldn't remember me either.

He LAUGHS. A little too loudly. Carolyn quickly joins in.

CAROLYN

(forced gaiety)

Honey. Don't be weird.

She smiles her most winning smile at him. He knows this persona well, only it's never pissed him off as much as it does right now.

LESTER

All right, honey. I won't be weird.

(his face close to hers)

I'll be whatever you want me to be.

And he kisses her--a soft, warm kiss that speaks unmistakably of sex--then turns to the others and grins.

LESTER (cont'd)

We have a very healthy relationship.

BUDDY

I see.

Carolyn's smile is frozen on her face.

LESTER

Well. I don't know about you, but I need a drink.

He crosses off. Carolyn, Buddy and Christy watch him go.

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Lester stands at the bar. A bartender pours him a drink.

LESTER

Whoa. Put a little more in there, cowboy.

The bartender complies. Lester takes his drink and turns to face the center of the room.

His POV: Carolyn is talking to Buddy and Christy. She's on: smiling, animated, LAUGHING too loud at their jokes.

Lester shakes his head. Ricky approaches him, wearing a waiter's uniform, carrying a tray of empty glasses.

RICKY

Excuse me. Don't you live on Robin Hood Trail? The house with the red door?

LESTER

(suspicious)

Yeah.

RICKY

I'm Ricky Fitts. I just moved into the house next to you.

LESTER

Oh. Hi, Ricky Fitts. I'm Lester Burnham.

RICKY

Hi, Lester Burnham.

A beat. Lester looks away, scans the crowd, then downs the rest of his drink in one gulp. Ricky just stands there, watching him. Finally Lester turns back to Ricky: what does this kid want?

RICKY (cont'd)

Do you party?

LESTER

Excuse me?

RICKY

Do you get high?

Lester's surprised, but instantly intrigued.

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Carolyn and Buddy are deep in conversation. Christy has wandered off. Carolyn is nervous; Buddy seems amused.

CAROLYN

You know, I probably wouldn't even tell you this if I weren't a little tipsy, but... I am in complete awe of you. I mean, your firm is, hands down, the Rolls Royce of local Real Estate firms, and your personal sales record is, is, is very intimidating. You know, I'd love to sit down with you and just pick your brain, if you'd ever be willing. I suppose, technically, I'm the "competition," but... I mean, hey, I don't flatter myself that I'm even in the same league as you...

BUDDY

I'd love to.

CAROLYN

(shocked)

Really?

BUDDY

Absolutely. Call my secretary and have her schedule a lunch.

CAROLYN

I'll do that. Thank you.

They look at each other for a beat, then look away. This situation is loaded and they both know it.

EXT. HOTEL - LATER

Ricky and Lester stand next to a dumpster behind the service entrance to the hotel, smoking a JOINT.

LESTER

...did you ever see that movie, where the body's walking around holding its own head? And then the head goes down on that babe?

RICKY

Re-Animator.

Suddenly, the service entrance opens, and a large CATERING BOSS in a cheap suit peers out at them. Ricky hides the joint.

CATERING BOSS

(to Ricky)

Look. I'm not paying you to...

(eyes Lester, suspiciously)

...do whatever it is you're doing out here.

RICKY

Fine. So don't pay me.

CATERING BOSS

Excuse me?

RICKY

I quit. So you don't have to pay me. Now, leave me alone.

CATERING BOSS

Asshole.

He goes back inside. Lester looks at Ricky, who shrugs.

LESTER

I think you just became my personal hero.

(then)

Doesn't that make you nervous, just quitting your job like that? Well, I guess when you're all of, what? Sixteen?

RICKY

Eighteen.

(then)

I just do these gigs as a cover. I have other sources of income. But my dad interferes less in my life when I pretend to be an upstanding young citizen with a respectable job.

CAROLYN (O.C.)

Lester?

Carolyn is standing in the open service entrance. Lester quickly hides the joint behind his back.

CAROLYN (cont'd)

What are you doing?

LESTER

Honey, this is...

(laughs)

Ricky Fitts. This is Ricky Fitts.

RICKY

I'm Ricky Fitts, I just moved in the house next to you. I go to school with your daughter.

LESTER

With Jane? Really?

RICKY

Yeah. Jane.

CAROLYN

Hi.

(then, to Lester)

I'm ready to go. I'll meet you out front.

And she goes back inside.

LESTER

Uh-oh. I'm in trouble. Nice meeting you, Ricky Fitts. Thanks for the, uh, thing.

RICKY

Any time.

Lester goes inside.

RICKY (cont'd)

(calls after him)

Lester. If you want any more, you know where I live.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - FAMILY ROOM - LATER

Jane and Angela are watching MTV. We HEAR the back door open.

JANE

Oh, shit. They're home. Quick, let's go up to my room.

Jane switches off the TV.

ANGELA

I should say hi to your dad.

(off Jane's look)

I don't want to be rude.

She starts toward the kitchen. Jane doesn't like this.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Lester enters and opens the refrigerator.

ANGELA (O.C.)

Nice suit.

He turns, and is instantly transfixed by:

His POV: Angela leans against the counter, twirling her hair.

ANGELA (cont'd)

You're looking good, Mr. Burnham.

She starts toward him.

ANGELA (cont'd)

Last time I saw you, you looked kind of wound up.

(spots something)

Ooh, is that root beer?

She reaches inside the refrigerator to grab a bottle. As she does, she moves to place her other hand casually on Lester's shoulder. He sees it coming. Everything SLOWS DOWN, and all sound FADES...

EXTREME CLOSE UP on her hand as it briefly touches his shoulder in SLOW MOTION. We HEAR only the amplified BRUSH of her fingers against the fabric of his suit, and its unnatural, hollow ECHO...

BACK IN REAL TIME: She grabs the root beer and smiles at him.

CLOSE on Lester: his eyes narrow slightly, then:

He cups her face in his hands and kisses her. She seems shocked, but doesn't resist as he pulls her toward him with surprising strength. He breaks the kiss, looking at her in awe, then he reaches up and touches his lips. His eyes widen as he pulls a ROSE PETAL from his mouth right before we SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Angela is back against the counter, drinking the root beer. Lester stands by the refrigerator, gazing at her, still lost in fantasy.

ANGELA

I love root beer, don't you?

Jane watches from the doorway to the family room, feeling incredibly awkward in her own home. Carolyn enters from the dining room. Lester snaps out of it and grabs a root beer from the refrigerator.

JANE

Mom, you remember Angela.

CAROLYN

(her sales smile)

Yes, of course!

JANE

I forgot to tell you, she's spending the night. Is that okay?

LESTER

Sure!

He takes a sip of his root beer, but it goes down the wrong way and he starts COUGHING violently.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - JANE'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

Angela lays on the bed, in bra and panties, reading a magazine. Jane, in an oversized T shirt, plays a video game on her computer.

JANE

I'm sorry about my dad.

ANGELA

Don't be. I think it's funny.

JANE

Yeah, to you, he's just another guy who wants to jump your bones. But to me... he's just too embarrassing to live.

ANGELA

Your mom's the one who's embarrassing. What a phony.

Jane glances at Angela, irritated.

ANGELA (cont'd)

Your dad's actually kind of cute.

JANE

Shut up.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Lester, still in his suit, stands outside Jane's room, his ear up against the door. He can't believe what he's hearing.

ANGELA (O.C.)

He is. If he just worked out a little, he'd be hot.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - JANE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

JANE

Shut up.

ANGELA

Oh, come on. Like you've never sneaked a peek at him in his underwear? I bet he's got a big dick.

JANE

You are so grossing me out right now.

ANGELA

(really enjoying this)

If he built up his chest and arms, I would totally fuck him.

Jane covers her ears and starts SINGING to drown her out.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Lester, still listening, looks like he's about to implode.

ANGELA (O.C.)

(laughs)

I would! I would suck your dad's big fat dick, and then I would fuck him 'til his eyes rolled back in his head!

(then)

What was that noise? Jane.

Jane's SINGING stops.

ANGELA (O.C.) (cont'd)

I swear I heard something.

Panicked, Lester scurries down the hall.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - JANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

JANE

Yeah, it was the sound of you being a huge disgusting pig.

ANGELA

I'm serious.

We HEAR the sharp TAP of a penny being thrown against glass.

ANGELA (cont'd)

See?

Angela crosses to the window and looks out.

ANGELA (cont'd)

(spots something)

Oh my God. Jane.

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

We see Angela standing at the window in her underwear, looking down at us. Jane joins her and is immediately unnerved by:

Their POV: In the Burnham's DRIVEWAY, the word "JANE" is spelled out in FIRE.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - JANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

ANGELA

It's that psycho next door. Jane, what if he worships you? What if he's got a shrine with pictures of you surrounded by dead people's heads and stuff?

JANE

Shit. I bet he's filming us right now.

ANGELA

(intrigued)

Really?

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

On VIDEO: We're across from Jane's window, looking in. Jane tries to shut the drapes, but Angela won't let her. Irritated, Jane retreats into the room. We ZOOM toward her, even as Angela poses in the window; we're clearly not interested in Angela. The ZOOM continues, searching for Jane, who has disappeared. Finally, we settle on the small make-up MIRROR where we see a REFLECTION of Jane, back at her computer. She's smiling. Then suddenly the DRAPES CLOSE and she's gone.

INT. FITTS HOUSE - RICKY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ricky sits in darkness with his DIGICAM, videotaping. He lowers the camera and smiles... then something below catches his attention. He leans out the window to get a better look at:

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - GARAGE - CONTINUOUS

Ricky's POV: Through a WINDOW on the side of the Burnham's GARAGE DOOR, we see Lester, still in his suit, digging through shelves against the back wall.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - GARAGE - CONTINUOUS

Lester digs through stuff stored on the shelves, searching for something as if his very life depended on it.

LESTER

Shit. Shit!

He yanks aside COLLEGE YEARBOOKS, a racquetball RACQUET, boxes of old HOT ROD MAGAZINES, an unopened remote-controlled MODEL JEEP KIT, stacks of old vinyl LPs... finally his face lights up when he finds:

A pair of DUMBBELLS obviously unused for many years.

Lester rips off his jacket and tie and unbuttons his shirt. He glances around, finding his REFLECTION in the WINDOW as he pulls off his shirt, then the T-shirt underneath. He eyes himself critically: Angela was right, he's not in bad shape. Just a few extra pounds around his middle that wouldn't be hard to shed. He kicks off his shoes and begins to step out of his pants.

INT. FITTS HOUSE - RICKY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ricky holds his Digicam up and starts to videotape.

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - GARAGE - CONTINUOUS

Ricky's POV, on VIDEO: Through a WINDOW on the side of the Burnham's garage, we see Lester step out of his pants and briefs. Then, naked except for his black socks, he grabs the dumbbells and starts lifting them, watching his reflection in the window as he does.

INT. FITTS HOUSE - RICKY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ricky stands at the window, videotaping.

RICKY

Welcome to America's Weirdest Home Videos.

Suddenly we HEAR someone trying to open a locked door.

COLONEL (O.C.)

Ricky!

Moving swiftly, Ricky pulls the drapes shut and switches on a light. His room is a haven of high-tech. A state-of-the-art multimedia COMPUTER crowds his desk, and high-end STEREO and VIDEO EQUIPMENT line the shelves, as well as HUNDREDS OF CDs. There is easily twenty thousand dollars worth of equipment in this room.

RICKY

Coming, Dad.

COLONEL (O.C.)

You know I don't like locked doors in my house, boy.

Ricky opens the door. The Colonel stands outside, eyeing him.

RICKY

I'm sorry, I must have locked it by accident. So what's up?

The Colonel holds out a small PLASTIC CUP WITH A CAP.

COLONEL

I need a urine sample.

RICKY

Wow. It's been six months already. Can I give it to you in the morning? I just took a whiz.

COLONEL

Yeah, I suppose.

(an awkward beat)

Well. Good night, son.

He disappears down the hall. Ricky smiles, shuts and locks his door. He puts the plastic cup on the shelf, then crosses to a MINI REFRIGERATOR in the corner of his room and takes out a cup-sized TUPPERWARE CONTAINER from the freezer, already filled with urine, albeit frozen, and places it on a saucer to thaw overnight.

INT BURNHAM HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

Carolyn lies sleeping. Lester is awake, staring at the ceiling. After a moment, he gets up, taking care not to disturb Carolyn, and walks toward the bathroom.

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - MASTER BATH - CONTINUOUS

Lester enters and switches on the LIGHT. The room is filled with STEAM. Lester looks around, confused, then focuses on:

His POV: Across from us, in a PEDESTAL BATHTUB, is Angela. She smiles and beckons us, and we MOVE CLOSER. ROSE PETALS float on the surface of the water, obscuring her naked body.

ANGELA

I've been waiting for you.

Lester kneels by the bathtub like a man in church.

ANGELA (cont'd)

You've been working out, haven't you? I can tell.

She arches her back and looks up at him provocatively.

ANGELA (cont'd)

I was hoping you'd give me a bath... I'm very, very dirty.

Lester gives her a hard look, then slowly slips his hand into the water between her legs. Her eyes widen and she throws her head back... and we SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE on Carolyn, her eyes wide, listening to the rhythmic BRUSH of Lester's hand as he masturbates under the covers.

She flips over and faces him.

CAROLYN

What are you doing?

A beat.

LESTER

Nothing.

Carolyn switches on the bedside LIGHT.

CAROLYN

You were masturbating.

LESTER

I was not.

CAROLYN

Yes, you were.

He turns to her, trying to look innocent, then gives up.

LESTER

All right, so shoot me. I was whacking off.

Carolyn gets out of bed, repelled. Lester LAUGHS.

LESTER (cont'd)

That's right. I was choking the bishop. Shaving the carrot. Saying hi to my monster.

CAROLYN

That's disgusting.

LESTER

Well, excuse me, but I still have blood pumping through my veins!

CAROLYN

So do I!

LESTER

Really? I'm the only one who seems to be doing anything about it.

CAROLYN

Lester. I refuse to live like this. This is not a marriage.

LESTER

This hasn't been a marriage for years. But you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut. Well, guess what? I've changed. And the new me whacks off when he feels horny, because you're obviously not going to help me out in that department.

CAROLYN

Oh. I see. You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated?

LESTER

I'm not? Well then, come on, baby! I'm ready.

CAROLYN

(furious)

Do not mess with me, mister, or I will divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin!

LESTER

On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I don't fuck other women, I don't mistreat you, I've never hit you, or even tried to touch you since you made it so abundantly clear just how unnecessary you consider me to be. But. I did support you while you got your license. And some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours.

She sinks into a chair, stunned. It's clear he knows where she's most vulnerable. He sees this, and likes it; it feels good to win for a change. He curls up under the covers contentedly.

LESTER (cont'd)

Turn out the light when you come to bed, okay?

CLOSE on Lester, smiling.

EXT. ROBIN HOOD TRAIL - EARLY MORNING

We're FLYING high above the neighborhood. Below us we see the two Jims, jogging. We APPROACH them steadily.

LESTER

It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about.

EXT. ROBIN HOOD TRAIL - CONTINUOUS

We're now at street level, FOLLOWING the two Jims.

LESTER

Hey! You guys!

Still running, the Jims turn back in perfect unison, as Lester runs INTO FRAME, wearing a baggy sweatshirt and a pair of faded old sweatpants. The Jims slow down until he catches up, then the three men run together in the early morning light.

JIM #2

Lester, I didn't know you ran.

LESTER

(panting)

Well, I just started.

JIM #1

Good for you.

LESTER

I figured you guys might be able to give me some pointers. I need to shape up. Fast.

JIM #1

Well, are you just looking to lose weight, or do you want have increased strength and flexibility as well?

LESTER

I want to look good naked.

EXT. FITTS HOUSE - A SHORT TIME LATER

The Colonel is washing his Ford Explorer, squatting to scrub the bumper, when something Catches his eye:

His POV: Lester and the Jims jog down the street.

The Colonel stands, scowling, as Ricky comes out of the house, holding the URINE SAMPLE in front of him.

COLONEL

What is this, the fucking gay pride parade?

Lester breaks off from the two Jims and jogs up to Ricky and the Colonel, out of breath. He grabs hold of his knees and bends over, panting.

LESTER

Hey! Yo! Ricky!

(re: the Jims)

My entire life is passing before my eyes, and those two have barely broken a sweat.

He LAUGHS, and extends his hand to the Colonel.

LESTER (cont'd)

Sorry, hi. Lester Burnham, I live next door. We haven't met.

COLONEL

(shakes)

COLONEL Frank Fitts, U.S. Marine Corps.

LESTER

Whoa. Welcome to the neighborhood, sir.

He salutes the Colonel good-naturedly, grinning. The Colonel doesn't think it's funny. An awkward beat.

LESTER (cont'd)

So, Ricky, uh, I was thinking about the, uh... I was gonna... the movie we talked about...

RICKY

(quickly)

Re-Animator.

LESTER

Yeah!

RICKY

You want to borrow it?

(before Lester can answer)

Okay, it's up in my room. Come on.

He heads into the house. Lester waves at the Colonel, then follows him. The Colonel watches them go, his eyes dark.

INT. FITTS HOUSE - RICKY'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Ricky enters, followed by Lester.

RICKY

Can you hold this for a sec?

LESTER

Sure.

He gives the URINE SPECIMEN to Lester, then locks the door.

RICKY

I don't think my dad would try to come in when somebody else is here, but you never know.

Ricky crosses to a bureau and opens a DRAWER. He takes clothing out and piles it on his bed.

LESTER

(re: urine sample)

What is this?

RICKY

Urine. I have to take a drug test every six months to make sure I'm clean.

LESTER

Are you kidding? You just smoked with me last night.

RICKY

It's not mine. One of my clients is a nurse in a pediatrician's office. I cut her a deal, she keeps me in clean piss.

Lester picks up a CD case from a shelf and examines it.

LESTER

You like Pink Floyd?

RICKY

I like a lot of music.

LESTER

Man, I haven't listened to this album in years.

He shakes his head, then puts the CD case down. Ricky, having emptied the drawer, now removes a FALSE BOTTOM, revealing rows of MARIJUANA, tightly packed in ZIP-LOC BAGS.

RICKY

How much do you want?

LESTER

I don't know, it's been a while. How much is an ounce?

RICKY

(indicates bag)

Well, this is totally decent, and it's three hundred.

LESTER

Wow.

RICKY

(indicates another bag)

But this shit is top of the line. It's called G-13. Genetically engineered by the U.S. Government. Extremely potent. But a completely mellow high, no paranoia.

LESTER

Is that what we smoked last night?

RICKY

This is all I ever smoke.

LESTER

How much?

RICKY

Two grand.

LESTER

Jesus. Things have changed since 1973.

RICKY

You don't have to pay now. I know you're good for it.

A beat.

LESTER

Thanks.

RICKY

(hands him a bag)

There's a card in there with my beeper number, call me anytime day or night. And I only accept cash.

LESTER

(looks around room)

Well, now I know how you can afford all this equipment. When I was your age, I flipped burgers all summer just to be able to buy an eight track.

RICKY

That sucks.

LESTER

No actually, it was great. All I did was party and get laid.

(smiles)

I had my whole life ahead of me...

RICKY

My dad thinks I pay for all this with catering jobs.

(off Lester's look)

Never underestimate the power of denial.

Lester smiles. This kid's cool.

EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - LATER

Carolyn, carrying a basket of fresh cut ROSES, passes by the GARAGE WINDOW. From inside the garage, we HEAR ROCK MUSIC.

Carolyn stops and SNIFFS the air, frowning. She peers through the window.

Her POV: Lester, in a T-shirt and gym shorts, lies on a new WEIGHT BENCH, doing bench presses with shiny new BARBELLS.

INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS

ROCK MUSIC blasts from a new BOOMBOX on the floor.

The garage is in the process of becoming Lester's sanctuary. An ugly but comfortable 70's BOWL CHAIR has been pulled out and cleaned off, his old hot rod magazines strewn across it, and the remote-controlled MODEL JEEP KIT is spread across a card table. The SHELVES that Lester tore through earlier have been dismantled, leaving a blank wall on which now hangs a DART BOARD.

Lester finishes his last rep, straining, then puts the weights in their rack and sits up. As he takes a drag off a joint, the GARAGE DOOR suddenly starts to open. Lester looks up, squinting at:

His POV: The door raises to reveal Carolyn, silhouetted against the bright sunlight outside, pointing a REMOTE at us.

LESTER

Uh-oh, mom's mad.

CAROLYN

What the hell do you think you're doing?

LESTER

Bench presses. I'm going to wail on my pecs, and then I'm going to do my back.

CAROLYN

I see you're smoking pot now. I'm so glad. I think using illegal psychotropic substances is a very positive example to set for our daughter.

LESTER

You're one to talk, you bloodless, money- grubbing freak.

CAROLYN

(hostile)

Lester. You have such hostility in you!

LESTER

Do you mind? I'm trying to work out here.

(then, suggestively)

Unless you want to spot me.

CAROLYN

You will not get away with this. You can be sure of that!

And she's gone. Lester leans back on the bench and grabs the weights.

LESTER

(as he lifts)

That's. What. You. Think.

INT. BRAD'S OFFICE - DAY

Brad is seated behind his desk, reading a document. Lester sits across from him, smiling.

BRAD

(reads)

"...my job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off, while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble hell."

(looks up at Lester)

Well, you obviously have no interest in saving yourself.

LESTER

(laughs)

Brad, for fourteen years I've been a whore for the advertising industry. The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing.

BRAD

Whatever. Management wants you gone by the end of the day.

LESTER

Well, just what sort of severance package is "management" prepared to offer me? Considering the information I have about our editorial director buying pussy with company money.

A beat.

LESTER (cont'd)

Which I'm sure would interest the I.R.S., since it technically constitutes fraud. And I'm sure that some of our advertisers and rival publications might like to know about it as well. Not to mention, Craig's wife.

Brad sighs.

BRAD

What do you want?

LESTER

One year's salary, with benefits.

BRAD

That's not going to happen.

LESTER

Well, what do you say I throw in a little sexual harassment charge to boot?

Brad LAUGHS.

BRAD

Against who?

LESTER

Against you.

Brad stops laughing.

LESTER (cont'd)

Can you prove you didn't offer to save my job if I'd let you blow me?

Brad leans back in his chair, studying Lester.

BRAD

Man. You are one twisted fuck.

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